Pitbabe S2, Chapter 14 pg3

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 14 pg3

   “He once thought I was dead.”

   The doctor blinked rapidly. He seemed to be piecing things together in his head, and I didn’t think I needed to explain much more. For someone like Dr. Chris, connecting the dots on something like this was easy.

   “He’s probably scared you’ll disappear.”

   “Yeah, so he couldn’t sleep.”

   “And you still had the guts to break up?” Dr. Chris shook his head, looking at me with exasperation. I figured he didn’t really get my relationship with Babe, which I didn’t expect anyone to understand anyway. Even Babe and I, being in the relationship ourselves, often got lost in it. You can’t expect much from outsiders. “One can’t sleep alone, and the other sits worrying about him not sleeping until he can’t sleep himself.”

   “If I could choose, I wouldn’t want it to be like this,” I sighed.

   “Then why not go back and sleep with him? Just stay until he falls asleep, then leave in the morning.”

   “That wouldn’t feel like breaking up, would it?” I don’t know why I forced a smile. Right now, I didn’t want to smile at all, and there wasn’t a single thing worth smiling about. “Besides, even if I wanted to sleep over, Babe wouldn’t let me. That night, he kicked me out himself.”

   “Well, he was angry. It’d be weird if he didn’t.”

   “Do you think he’s stopped being angry at me by now?”

   “Hmm… tough call,” Dr. Chris shrugged. Since I broke up with Babe, everyone’s been trying to speak gently to me, going out of their way to be kind, offering encouragement at every chance, like they’re trying to comfort me and worried I’ll sink deeper into sadness. But this doctor? He doesn’t even bother consoling me and even laughs at me sometimes. If I had to choose, though, I’d pick Dr. Chris’s way. “Babe seems to have anger as his default mood.”

   “But this time, it’s justified.”

   “If you know that, why’d you break up with him?”

   “Because Babe will never understand.” My chest stung again. Since that night, every time I think of Babe, it’s like this. I used to think I’d never handle a breakup, but now that it’s happened, it’s even worse than I imagined. Unlike Babe, who said he’d never break up with me—or if we had to, he’d rather die before I got a new boyfriend. He seems so much stronger than me. Maybe because having me around was the worst kind of suffering for him, so me walking away wasn’t that bad. “No matter how many times I explain or how much we try to adjust, it just doesn’t work. Forcing it would only tire us out for nothing.”

   “Doesn’t sound like you,” I met Dr. Chris’s eyes, not quite understanding what he meant by “not like me.” He seemed to notice my confusion and continued, “I don’t know. Just feels like you’re the stubborn type. Not someone who gives up easily, especially on Babe. Honestly, we were shocked when you said you broke up.”

   “I was shocked too,” I let out a dry laugh. “I still can’t believe we actually broke up.”

   “You gave up way easier than we thought.”

   “I didn’t give up.”

   “But from what I see, it looks like you did.”

   “It’s just about making a trade-off.”

   Dr. Chris looked at me, his gaze one I’d grown familiar with. He always looked at me like this when he was suspicious of something, as if his eyes were piercing through my skull, unfolding the wrinkled folds of my brain, and slowly reading every recorded and active thought inside. I think he’s like me—someone who’s curious, who won’t stop until they get to the core. That’s why we understand each other, even if our outer shells are polar opposites.

   “You can’t expect to gain without losing something. It’s against nature.”

   It took me a long time to accept this truth. All this time, I tried to grab everything, hold it tightly, thinking there had to be a way to reach my goals without losing anything. But after carrying that burden for a while, I now understand I was fighting an unchangeable law. This world’s rule: nothing is free. Everything is a choice between one thing and another, choosing what’s more important, choosing what to let go of—even if what you have to give up shatters your heart.

   “If you want change, you have to trade. There are millions of things in this world that aren’t good enough, but not everyone acts to change them. Not because they don’t want to, but not everyone can. Not everyone has something to lose.”

   “And are you ready… to lose something?”

   “Because I have nothing left to lose.”

   If I keep living like this, hoping someone else will do what I want, it’ll never happen. What I want to protect and care for will never be safe as long as I keep waiting for others to sacrifice for me.

   “My life has only one thing I wanted to keep,” I smiled at Dr. Chris, hoping he’d understand what this smile and these words meant. “And I’ve already let it go. Now I really have nothing left to lose.”

   Dr. Chris stared at me silently for a moment before sighing, as if he’d run out of words for someone like me.

   “And if everything you’ve planned succeeds, will you be happy then?”

   This wasn’t a new question. It’s one I’ve asked myself every day since I first wanted to do this. Only a few people understand my way of thinking. Dr. Chris once said I’m the type who chooses to build a system to eliminate thieves instead of putting up a fence. I think that’s a pretty accurate description. Even though I know it’s nearly impossible—thieves can’t be completely eradicated, and even if you kill all the existing ones, new ones might pop up the next day— what I want isn’t to chase and eliminate every thief. I want to make them too afraid to even think about thieving.

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