Pitbabe S2, Chapter 16 pg2

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 16 pg2

   But seeing that guilt in his eyes now, I despise myself.

   While Charlie thinks only of me, I’m thinking only of myself.

   “One day, I’ll have to learn to sleep alone,” I said to break the awkward silence. “You can’t rely on others forever. Even if we hadn’t broken up, there’d still be days I’d have to sleep by myself.”

   Charlie stayed quiet. He stared at the floor, like he was holding back a flood of emotions. I felt for him, but at the same time, I was relieved he hadn’t changed into a completely different person, like I’d feared. Even if some things felt unfamiliar, many were still the same. At least his care for me was still there, no matter how much he tried to hide it—I could still feel it.

   “If I don’t take meds, what else am I supposed to do?” I asked. “You gonna come sleep with me again?”

   “Would that work?”

   “No way.”

   I answered instantly. Charlie looked up, meeting my eyes. His gaze was calm but carried a subtle weight. I think he was a little annoyed and frustrated that he couldn’t do anything about it.

   “We’re broken up, so act like it. How could we sleep together? Isn’t that a bit ridiculous?”

   “And what you’re doing is any different?”

   “What’d I do?”

   “Coming here now,” Charlie said, his irritation clear in his tone. I wasn’t surprised. I knew if I came to see him, we’d end up arguing about something. If there’s nothing to fight about, there’s no reason to meet. “Calling me, driving over late at night, sitting on my bed—this doesn’t exactly scream ‘broken up’ either.”

   “It’s not the same.”

   “How’s it different?”

   “You meddled in my business when you didn’t have to, but I’m here because you broke your promise,” I argued firmly, refusing to back down on this. “The promise didn’t just apply when we were together. Who told you that after we broke up, you could do whatever you want?”

   “But it’s my business.”

   “But you promised me!” I knew raising my voice would only annoy Charlie more, but since neither of us was in a good mood anyway, I let my emotions take over. I’d been frustrated all day too. “You promised you wouldn’t talk about that, that you wouldn’t let anyone know. So what the hell got into you today? Why did you go and talk about yourself like that? Were you trying to get back at me?”

   “Why would I want to get back at you?” Charlie’s face twisted in frustration, and if he wasn’t already irritated, he probably was now. “I was just talking about my own stuff. If I didn’t talk about myself, how could I get so many people to pay attention?”

   “Did you really have to go that far?”

   “I can do even more.”

   My chest burned with anger. Charlie’s eyes made it clear he was serious. Right now, it was like nothing else mattered to him except his goal—not even me. At best, I was probably just a burden, an obstacle slowing him down from reaching the finish line.

   “So from now on, you don’t care what happens to me, is that it?”

   Even though the answer scared me, I still wanted to hear it from his mouth. Maybe if Charlie said outright that he didn’t care about me anymore, that he wouldn’t honor any promises, I could accept it more easily. Maybe I’d even end up hating him.

   “You said it yourself, Babe—if we’re broken up, we should act like it.”

   What we had is gone.

   Why?

   Why can’t I hate him yet?

   “I know we won’t be sharing a bed anymore.”

   I wanted to know how long it would take for him to become just a small part of my life. When would he stop mattering so much? When would his words be just a passing breeze, no longer causing me pain?

   “But I didn’t think that even a promise made as one person in your life… you couldn’t keep that for me either.”

   Charlie seemed to have run out of words. He didn’t argue, didn’t make excuses, didn’t plead for sympathy. He just stayed silent—silence that confirmed what I said was true. From now on, every promise would be void. My words were worthless to him. No matter how much his actions hurt me, Charlie wouldn’t look back.

   Honestly, I should’ve known this from the day we broke up. If he’d chosen me, we wouldn’t have ended. The whole story was clear from that moment. Yet I was the only one clinging to the faint hope that he might still have some lingering care for me as someone he once loved. But now I know there’s none. The concern he showed earlier was probably just habit. He was used to thinking of my problems as his own, like a bodyguard protecting his master for ages. Even after being relieved of duty, some protective instincts might linger, but one day, they’ll fade away.

   Gone… from our feelings and from each other’s lives.

   “I won’t do anything to affect you, Babe,” Charlie said with a blank expression. I couldn’t even sense guilt from him anymore. “I’ll only talk about myself. As for the fact that we broke up, I won’t say anything. If you want to talk, go ahead. Whatever you say, I’ll accept it.”

   “Even if I lie?”

   “Yes.”

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