Pitbabe S2, Chapter 17 pg2

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 17 pg2

   “Don’t.”

   I don’t know how much Willy believed me. In his eyes, I was still drunk. But in my mind, I wouldn’t say I was sober, though I was fully aware. I knew what I was saying, how I was feeling. This was an answer untainted by the haze of alcohol, clearer than usual. Liquor made me more honest than I’d ever been, and part of it was because Charlie wasn’t here. There was no reason to overthink my true feelings.

   “Are you going to go beg him back?” Willy asked, even though moments ago he’d acted like he knew nothing.

   “No.”

   “Or will he come begging you?”

   “Probably not.” It hurt like hell to say that. I’d have to keep repeating it, hoping one day it’d feel familiar, that the pain I felt now might ease. “Once he’s made up his mind, he doesn’t change it. That’s how Charlie is.”

   “Then what are you waiting for?”

   “I’m not waiting.”

   Truthfully, deep down, I still wanted to wait. Not for him to come back, but for myself to be ready to move on. I don’t know what’s in Charlie’s heart now, but for me, the reality of living without him isn’t a change I can accept as easily as changing my name or switching jobs. Charlie was a massive part of every year after we decided to be together. Now, I have to take time and immense effort to slowly dismantle him from my future, knowing it’ll tear everything apart. But I don’t have any other choice.

   “If you’re not waiting, then start over,” Willy pressed on. He didn’t truly understand that, for me, Charlie wasn’t just someone I could forget and walk away from. He didn’t get that for someone who’d never experienced complete love before, losing it takes immense endurance to learn to let go. “Nothing helps you move on faster than someone new.”

   “And this someone new… is that you?”

   “You’re sitting here keeping watch like this. If you say you’re not hoping to swoop in, you’re full of it.”

   I burst out laughing. I didn’t expect this foreign kid to be so blunt. Seems like hanging around North so much has molded him into our kind of people. Or maybe he just thinks I’m so drunk I can’t do anything to him.

   “You know, the fight between me and Charlie actually started because of you?”

   “I kinda figured,” Willy said with a sheepish grin. “He was glaring at me like that.”

   “Uh-huh, and you still have the guts to hang around waiting for a chance?”

   “Why not? Since Phii Charlie already thinks that way, why not just go along with it? That way, it’s not a misunderstanding, right?”

   “You’re as crazy as they come,” I said, looking at him, speechless. This kid just goes with the flow, says he sees me as an idol, but the second he spots an opening, he dives right in like he’s been eyeing it all along. No wonder Charlie doesn’t like him. Even without me in the picture, these two would never be friends. Charlie and Willy seem to clash on everything. “Even if I really wanted someone new, it wouldn’t be you.”

   “Whoa, shutting me down that fast?”

   “I just don’t want you getting your hopes up for nothing.”

   “Can’t I even hope?”

   “If you end up disappointed, you’ll just blame me.”

   “I won’t…” Willy mumbled to himself. Even he didn’t sound convinced he’d stay calm if things fell through. We haven’t even talked that long, and I can already tell. That’s why I don’t want him pinning those kinds of hopes on me.

   “I’m not getting over that Charlie so easily,” I admitted, even if it sounds pathetic. I didn’t want to lie to him. Honestly, Willy’s seen me in such a mess already, no matter how stubborn he is, he should realize I’m not in any state to cut ties with Charlie anytime soon. And I don’t want to, either. “I don’t know when I’ll move on, but it won’t be soon. And even when I do, my next person won’t be you.”

   “You’re brutal, man.”

   “Brutal is my thing. Just figuring that out?”

   “I thought you’d be nicer.”

   “Nope, don’t kid yourself,” I said, shaking my head slowly. A conversation with Charlie popped into my mind—his voice full of anger, his disappointed eyes staring at me. It’s like I was standing there again, but not in the same spot. I was a third person watching from a distance, seeing myself act like an idiot with Charlie, wondering if I could change anything if I got a second chance. “I’ve never been kind to anyone. Never thought of anyone but myself.”

   I’m not so sure.

   I don’t think I could change anything.

   “But I don’t think that’s true.”

   “Sure,” I said, locking eyes with him, firm, because I didn’t want Willy to get his hopes up again—not even a sliver, not for a second. “Why do you think me and Charlie broke up? Because of you?”

   “Isn’t that how it seems?”

   “We fought because of you, but the breakup? You were just a tiny part of it. Not great, maybe not even relevant. We would’ve split up eventually anyway. You just… sped it up.”

   “Doesn’t make it sound much better.”

   “Charlie left because he was disappointed in me.”

   I never thought I’d be spilling this humiliating stuff to a kid like Willy. I know the admiration he has for me might take a hit because of this, just like Charlie felt. But I’m exhausted from being some fake role model for others, expected to exceed all expectations, be tough, fearless, when that’s not true. Often, I fall short of what people expect. I’m weak, fragile, and constantly scared. The image others see isn’t even what I project—they just interpret it to fit what they want to believe. Even if I cry, they’d still call those the tears of a strong man.

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