Pitbabe S2, Chapter 19 pg4

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 19 pg4

   “As long as it makes you happy, Babe, I’m good.”

   “What, you’re saying it doesn’t make you happy?”

   “Didn’t say that,” I smiled, pulling Babe into a hug, resting my chin on his shoulder. Our bare skin touched, making me feel closer to him than ever. Knowing Babe was right here with me felt like I could finally breathe fully again. I kept telling myself how lucky I was that I hadn’t ruined this for good, as I’d feared all along. “I want to go back together too. I’ve missed you so much, Babe.”

   “I missed you too,” Babe hugged me back. He tightened his grip when he said he missed me. “From now on, we’ll be together again, like before—waking up together, sleeping together, doing everything together, so you don’t have to think about pointless stuff anymore.”

   “Pointless… stuff?”

   “Yeah, that research nonsense of yours. You don’t need to care about it anymore. Just come back to being with me. No matter what happens, we can handle it together. How else would we have made it this far… right?”

   The feeling of relief and lightness was swept away, like a tornado ripping through a house in seconds. I loosened my embrace and pulled back to stare at Babe, trying to collect my thoughts and make sure I understood what he just said. Because if I didn’t misunderstand, then it was Babe’s words that were wrong.

   “What did you say, Babe?” I asked again. “When you said we’d go back to being together, did you mean I’d just be with you and not do anything else?”

   “Well, yeah!” Babe replied without hesitation, even giving me a look like, “Why are you asking something so obvious?” “You’ve been so caught up with other stuff that we barely had real time together. If we’re getting back together now, that means you’d stop doing those things, right? You’re choosing me.”

   It seems I misunderstood… terribly.

   I thought Babe coming back this time was a sign of understanding. I thought the time we spent apart would’ve helped him see what I’ve been working on, that he’d realize how important this “pointless stuff” is to me. It’s not something I want to do—it’s something I have to do. I thought it was obvious, but from what he just said, it’s clear it wasn’t obvious enough for Babe to understand.

   “What’s wrong?” Babe asked when he saw me staying silent. His face showed clear concern, which wasn’t surprising. This was the perfect moment for him to start worrying. “You didn’t think the same?”

   “I thought you’d understand by now.”

   “Understand… understand what?”

   Babe doesn’t understand.

   I really don’t understand.

   “If you never intended to understand my reasons from the start, why did you come back?”

   It’s like I’m in another world. The happiness and warmth in my heart passed by faster than the fleeting joys of childhood memories that barely linger. My heart, once full of hope, is now a barren desert, an endless wasteland I despise, creeping back before I could brace myself. The oasis I thought was in front of me was just a mirage.

   “If you still think the same way, even if I went back, it’d end the same. We’d feel the same, fight over the same things. Does you think that could possibly work?”

   I almost thought we could make it work.

   No… I already did.

   “Who knows? Why not try first? Coming back together this time might change things.”

   “And are you willing to change at all?”

   Babe went silent. Of course. The answer was so clear it didn’t need words.

   “Maybe I wasn’t clear enough before…” I can’t deny this is heartbreaking, like that night we broke up, even though we haven’t even reconciled yet. But now, it feels like I’m breaking up with Babe a second time. “…But I won’t change either.”

   Twice is enough.

   I can’t break up with him any more than this.

   “For you, is it really that easy to toss me aside for something else?” The hands that once touched now parted as Babe realized he couldn’t change my mind. Truthfully, I wanted to hold his hand a little longer, but that was beyond me now. “You say you care about me, but when it’s a choice between me and your damn ideals, you don’t hesitate to kick me to the curb, do you?”

   I don’t know how to answer so Babe won’t be hurt.

   “So, do you love me or not, Charlie?”

   It sounded like a question, but Babe wasn’t waiting for my answer anymore. He got up from the bed, hurriedly picking up the scattered clothes from the floor and putting them on, as if sharing the same air for even a second made him want to vomit. He wasn’t as furious as the first time we broke up, but in terms of emotion, this time I felt a deeper anger—rage that didn’t explode but condensed into a heavy mass inside him, likely to solidify into something beyond mere anger.

   “Asking like you don’t know,” I said, getting up to put on my clothes too. It seemed talking while lying down wouldn’t fix anything now. “Isn’t it obvious enough?”

   “If I’m asking now, I already know,” Babe said, pulling on the same T-shirt he came in, yanking it down so roughly his hair got messed up. His frustrated, irritated demeanor was starting to get on my nerves too. Instead of wallowing in our broken relationship, we were now just angry at each other. “I know you don’t love me at all.”

   “Want me to lie? Fine. I don’t love Babe at all. Happy now?”

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