Pitbabe S2, Chapter 28 pg 4

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 28 pg 4

   His irritation eased, but he didn’t exactly look happier. The handsome guy’s brows furrowed, his lips turned down. He was acting like a sulky kid, which isn’t his usual vibe. That kind of thing is supposed to be my specialty. But seeing Charlie like this once in a while is kind of nice.

   “You still think I’m into Willy or something?” I grabbed both of his hands, lacing our fingers together. Even with gloves between us, it was better than no contact at all. “Even after all this?”

   “I know Babe isn’t doing anything with him, but I’m still annoyed.”

   “If you really believe I’m not doing anything with him, you shouldn’t be annoyed. He’s just like anyone else on the team. You’re not jealous of me with that jerk or Phii Alan, right?” Charlie stayed quiet, looking like he wanted to argue, but his eyes betrayed that what I said was true. “But you did pull me away from Way… didn’t you?”

   As a master-level jealous person, I can say that trust and jealousy don’t coexist easily. If there’s trust, there’s no room for jealousy. If there’s jealousy, trust is hard to find. Jealousy often comes from seeing possibilities, not hard facts. No matter how faithful your partner is, if you keep searching for that tiny chance something could go wrong, jealousy will always linger between you, present in every breath.

   Possibilities are the scariest thing. They can make people feel both fear and hope at the same time. That nagging feeling of not being able to trust completely often stems from the belief that nothing in this world is certain. Nothing is 100 percent.

   Even the people we believe we’ll be with forever— isn’t there at least a 0.1 percent chance they could change their mind someday? That kind of thinking chips away at your mental stability bit by bit. Before you know it, the sturdy pillar you relied on is wobbling, barely able to stand.

   In my case, it’s even worse. Charlie has always shown me overwhelming love and loyalty, but at the same time, there have been plenty of lies between us. That’s the gap that invites paranoia to settle in my mind. And an even bigger, more significant part is my own insecurity.

   Someone once said that sometimes the most confident people are the least confident. It might sound contradictory, but I understand it completely.

   Confidence seems to be my greatest strength, but at the same time, it’s my most troubling weakness. I know Charlie loves me more than anything, but I still get jealous. I feel like a fool because I know there are plenty of people out there better than me.

   That’s my insecurity.

   I get jealous because I know I’m not perfect. My flaws are countless, while my lover is flawless, desirable, and worthy of all the best things. That’s why I’m terrified out of my mind every time I sense another opportunity coming his way.

   I dread seeing even the tiniest possibility. Even if it’s less than a tenth of a percent, my heart still races with fear when I think that the chance of him choosing someone else might not be zero.

   I don’t know if Charlie’s jealousy is the same as mine, but why would someone like him be afraid of me choosing someone else?

   “I’m sorry,” Charlie sighed heavily. He looked down at the floor, avoiding my eyes. For someone who tries to reason through everything to the end, this must feel like swallowing bitter medicine. And the worst part is, that bitter medicine is his own pride.

   “You think someone like me would hold this against you?” I laughed. “I might not understand other things that well, but this? I understand it better than you do.”

   “I thought I trusted Babe, but sometimes I’m scared.”

   “If I were you, I’d be scared too.”

   “I’m not saying you isn’t trustworthy, it’s just…”

   “I know.” No matter how many times it happens, I don’t think repeating “I know” or “I understand” to Charlie will ever be a problem. I see it as part of my life, one of the duties I’m happy to take on willingly. “Everyone wants me, right? It’s not weird that you’d be scared of someone stealing me.”

   Charlie looked up, locked eyes with me, and then burst out laughing.

   “you sure think simply, huh?”

   “Why make it complicated?” I drawled, tilting my head to look at him, blinking slowly. I figured this pose must look pretty cute in Charlie’s eyes, so I hoped it would calm the handsome guy down a bit. “As long as you’re not thinking of chaining me up, locking me in a room, hitting or yelling at me when I look at other guys, or forcing me…”

   “How could I ever do that to you?” Charlie cut in, as if just hearing examples of bad behavior was too much for him to bear.

   “At most, I’d just cuddle like this. When I get jealous, I can’t even put on gloves properly.”

   Charlie really knows how to rack up affection points. I looked down at our intertwined hands. The strap on his glove was sloppily fastened, and the other side was still dangling open. It’s unbelievable how his frustration over something he’s not ready to admit can make someone so meticulous let their appearance get so messy.

   “That’s why I’m saying it’s not a big deal. Someone like you? No matter how hard you’re pushed, you’d never do anything stupid. So if you’re jealous, just be jealous. Admit how you feel and tell me straight up. As for making the jealousy go away, I’ll handle that myself,” I said at length. Meanwhile, Charlie just stared at me with wide, blinking eyes, like he was unsure about something. “Got it?”

   “But we haven’t gotten back together yet,” he said.

   Oh… this story.

   “We’re not anything… so I can still get jealous, right?”

   I never knew Charlie would care so much about Willy’s words.

   One of the plot twists between us is that the one who seems tough as gravel turns out to be the overthinker, while the one who’s as gentle as morning sunlight never gives a damn about what others say.

   I always say, “Let people talk, it’s their business,” but those vicious words are the first things that pop into my head every sleepless night.

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