Pitbabe S2, Chapter 36 pg 2
Pitbabe S2, Chapter 36 pg 2
He and Way are not the same person.
Would I be a terrible person if I fell in love with two people who look alike?
As my thoughts drifted on, the man smoking on the balcony turned to look at me—probably because I’d been staring too long and he caught on. Chris gave a faint smile, reached to stub out his cigarette on the ashtray nearby, then slid open the glass door and greeted me.
“I was going to invite you to watch the sunrise, but it’s too late now.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked, sitting up on the bed. “I wanted to see the sunrise too.”
“You looked exhausted, so I didn’t have the heart to wake you,” Chris said casually. But I felt a flush of embarrassment as I recalled last night. I swear, bringing him here, I didn’t expect anything beyond comfort for both him and myself. But when the moment felt right, and Chris was the one to make the first move, I had no reason to refuse. “You could go back to sleep, you know.”
“It’s fine. I’m awake now.”
Chris didn’t say anything. He gave a small smile and stepped back into the room. He walked over to the side of the bed, leaned down, and kissed me softly on the lips. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, but I’d already decided this was going to be a good day.
“What do you want to do today?” I asked, unable to take my eyes off him as I followed his movements. Chris walked to the wardrobe, pulled out his clothes, and tossed them onto the bed, as if preparing to shower. “There’s a jet ski too, if you want to try it.”
“Jet ski sounds nice,” Chris replied nonchalantly. “But not today.”
“Why not?” I asked, then remembered something. “Oh! Your shoulder’s injured, right? Getting it wet probably isn’t a good idea.”
“Yeah,” Chris nodded slowly. “But honestly, there’s something else I’d rather do.”
“Like what?”
“Leave this place.”
I’m certain I wasn’t imagining it—there was something heavy in his words. He didn’t say it with his usual carefree indifference. But instead of making me feel good, it made me feel a hundred times worse than when he’d been cold to me.
“Why?” I asked, as if I didn’t know the answer, even though nothing could be clearer.
“You think I’d stay here with you forever?”
“Why not?”
“If I die too, where are you going to find a third Way, Pete?”
It’s as if I’ve heard this question before, from somewhere. Not just once or twice, but ten, twenty, maybe a hundred times. Which is strange, because if I’ve really heard it a hundred times, shouldn’t it stop shaking me by now?
“It’s not wrong to still think about him, or to be interested in me because I look like Way. But if you can’t even figure out what you’re feeling right now, Way will never truly be gone.”
“Don’t you think I’d ever genuinely like you, Chris?”
“How could you like me?” Chris laughed, almost mocking me. “You don’t even know me.”
“Then give me time. I want to get to know you better. We can start over.”
“But I don’t want to know you at all.”
I always thought Way was cruel, but now I realize that compared to Chris, Way wasn’t even close to cruel.
“I don’t want to get to know anyone. I don’t want to understand or be responsible for anyone’s feelings. I don’t want to expect anything from others, and I don’t want others expecting anything from me.”
He’s too different. I don’t know if what I feel for him is the same as what I felt for Way. I only know it’s real, buried in the most complex maze, with traces of him left behind. I hoped I could find answers in those traces, but it seems there’s no time left to search or understand.
“I’m not the person you want me to be, and I never will be.”
“Chris, I…”
“These nice feelings? Give them to someone who actually wants them.”
I wonder if something’s wrong with me. Why do I keep caring about people who never see me for who I am? Why do I chase after someone who never even glances back? Everyone I admire, they’re always admiring something else, ambitious, never looking at anything but their own goals. Maybe that’s why they’re so captivating to me. But that’s all it can be. I’m just a bystander, never their goal.
“Could you call a car for me? I want to leave before noon.”
Chris said only that before walking into the bathroom, while I was cursed to silence. My mind kept screaming to stop him, but my mouth wouldn’t move. I arranged everything for his trip, organized escorts for his safety, and pulled strings to clear the easiest path for his escape.
“It’s not your fault.”
Chris’s final words to me weren’t “goodbye” or “good luck,” but that single sentence, the one that made me realize our parting wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
NORTH:
Originally, I planned to film a video about my routine on a practice day, since it’s been a while since I did something like that for the channel. But when I got to the track, I suddenly lost all motivation to do it. Everything’s back to normal now—no more drama making the team atmosphere tense. Phii Alan and Jeff are back to being lovey-dovey (and annoying) as usual, all the racers are practicing together, and the old vibe is back. It should’ve made me feel more alive, so maybe the root of this murky feeling in my chest isn’t the atmosphere after all.
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