Pitbabe S2, Chapter 5 pg10

 pg10

   “I only noticed because of your instincts, Babe,” I said, retying the plastic bag’s handles and placing it back carefully. We had to be extra cautious since that dangerous liquid was still inside, and it was also crucial evidence. I still needed to get it to the lab for the team to analyze. “When you opened the bottle, there was a weird smell. That’s when I was sure.”

   “So you just slapped the bottle out of my hand.”

   “I didn’t think—just knew I had to keep it from getting in your mouth.”

   Babe smiled at me. If I’m not being too full of myself, I’d guess he was both grateful and proud of me. If that’s true, I want to thank him back a thousand times over. My mind keeps telling me I’m still not doing enough, that I could take better care of him, and that I shouldn’t get carried away just because of his approving smile.

   “Babe… from now on, please be more careful,” I said, reaching for his hand, pleading earnestly. “I’m always watching out for you, but it’d be better if you helped me. We don’t know what could happen.”

   “Mm… I’ll try.”

   “Thanks.”

   “Why are you thanking me for taking care of myself?”

   “Because, really, it should be my job.”

   “Taking care of myself is my job. How could it be yours?” Babe frowned, clearly not thrilled with my way of thinking. “Don’t act like I’m a burden to you.”

   “I never said you were a burden. I just feel like I should take good care of you.”

   “I didn’t start dating you so you could take care of me. I just wanted to be happy.”

   I wanted to fully grasp that sentence, to truly live by it. But with Babe, it’s so hard. It’s like an instinct carved into my bones that everything about him is my responsibility. Even though I know deep down that’s not the right mindset at all.

   “My reason for being with you is way more selfish than that, Charlie. That’s why I don’t want you to sacrifice anything for me. I want you to stay because you want to find happiness with me. That’s all you need to think about.”

   “It’s not that easy.”

   “Charlie,” Babe said, his voice firm. I love when he’s like this, just as much as when he’s playful. And, of course, when he’s mad at me, that’s up there too. I love when he looks into my eyes and stares deep into them. I love seeing my reflection in his eyes, sometimes fooling myself into thinking those eyes were made to reflect only me.

   “I’ll take care of myself as well as you take care of me. So you have to do the same.”

   I want to do that. I swear.

   “Please think about yourself as much as you think about me, I’m begging you.”

   Right now, my head is a mess, battling itself. I’m starting to doubt what I’m really thinking about. It’s true that Babe has been number one, firmly at the top of my mind for a long time, and that’s not going to change. But I’m not sure if that counts as “thinking about Babe more than myself” like he says. Am I really the selfless person Babe thinks I am? Or, in reality, have I just been thinking about myself all along? I choose to do everything because I want to, because it makes me happy. And that “thing” is making Babe as happy as possible.

   In the end, the most selfish person might be me. I don’t do everything Babe wants. I just follow my own heart, sticking to my beliefs like a fool, all because those beliefs revolve around Babe. That’s why I seem like a selfless person without actually sacrificing anything at all.

   “Alright, I’ll try.”

   But I choose to keep these thoughts to myself, because I know Babe would never understand. Someone who grew up relying on themselves, who respects and reveres themselves like a god, like Babe, could never accept my way of thinking. Even though he understands me in almost every other way, I think this is one of the few things he can’t grasp. It’s not that I don’t respect myself—believe me, I admire myself plenty. It’s just that my self-admiration comes from different conditions than his. And isn’t that just the truth of life?

   It’s just that my happiness and Babe’s are different, that’s all.

   “Great job, One-Eye.”

   As long as Babe gets to live the life he wants, that means my goal is accomplished.

   

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