Pitbabe S2, Chapter 8 pg3

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 8 pg3

   I was at a loss for words. This was the moment I should’ve said something, but my mind was completely blank.

   “It’s just that we can talk, that’s all. Doesn’t mean I feel anything for him,” Babe said, probably realizing he’d dug his own grave with those pointless explanations after seeing me stay silent. “He’s just a kid. You don’t need to care about him at all…”

   “But I was like that too,” I cut in. “Back then, I was just a kid to you too, Babe.”

   “What?” Babe furrowed his brows, as if he couldn’t believe his ears. “You think what’s going on with me and Willy is the same as what happened with you and me?”

   “Then how did we start, huh?”

   This time, it was Babe’s turn to be speechless. His mouth hung open, trying to spit out some kind of response, but he seemed too stunned to process anything. Maybe because what I said made sense—a truth he couldn’t deny, given how perfectly the situation lined up.

   “I never thought you’d say something like this to me,” Babe’s voice was harsh. He stared at me, his eyes starting to redden, as if he was boring into my skull with that gaze. I thought he might cry, but I wasn’t sure if it was out of sadness or because he was so angry his tears were about to burst. “We’ve been together for almost three years, and you don’t know a damn thing about me.”

   “I don’t know?” His words grated on me. No matter how much he’s scolded me before, I’ve never gotten truly mad, but this was one of the few things I couldn’t take. “If I don’t know, then no one does, Babe. I know you better than you know yourself.”

   “Oh, really?” Babe raised an eyebrow, his face openly mocking. “Then do you know how I feel right now?”

   That might be a broad question, but I didn’t think it was beyond me.

   “You’re angry, Babe.”

   “Wrong.”

   I got his question wrong, but Babe didn’t seem too disappointed. Maybe I was the one more disappointed in myself.

   “Right now, I don’t even want to look at you.”

   That was probably the most painful thing Babe had ever said to me. It hurt more than his crude words, more than when he yelled at the top of his lungs, more than his sarcastic jabs. It hurt the most because I could feel he meant it from the deepest part of his heart.

   It was like he was saying… he hated me.

   “If you think you know me so well, how dare you compare everything I feel for you to that Willy?” Tears welled up in both of Babe’s eyes, but they didn’t spill over yet because he kept staring at me without blinking. “Is that all you feel? To you, I’m just someone fun to talk to, someone you can take or leave. That’s it, right?”

   “No… how could it be just that?”

   And just like always, I was defeated by his tears.

   “That’s all Willy is, and you went and compared yourself to him!” Babe shouted, his voice hard as the tears that had been pooling finally streamed down his cheeks. “You don’t even know why I like you, why I love you, why I want to be with you. All you think is that I could replace you with someone else anytime. I’m that untrustworthy, huh?”

   “Babe…”

   “Don’t you love me anymore, Charlie?”

   I was too quick to think that “I don’t even want to look at you right now” was the most painful thing to hear. Those words were nothing compared to what Babe just said. The hurt in his eyes, the tears I hate but somehow always manage to cause—they hit me hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I used to think I had everything under control, that I was strong enough to handle anything on my own. But now, I’m not so sure I’m as capable as I thought.

   I can’t even take care of Babe properly.

   “How could I not love you…”

   In the end, I couldn’t hold back and started crying too, covering my face in shame. The guy who was so good with words just moments ago couldn’t keep it together. The anger that had flared up in my heart fizzled out, doused by Babe’s tears, and buried even deeper by the word “unloved”—the worst lie in my world.

   “If I didn’t love Babe, what would I have left?”

   “I don’t know. Racing, research, your degree…”

   “Babe… no,” I stepped forward, grabbing both of his hands and holding them tightly. I looked at his tear-streaked face, guilt tearing at me, wondering if there’d ever be a day when I could be truly mad at him. A day when I’d look at him, trembling and crying so pitifully, and feel nothing but anger. “None of that matters as much as Babe… not even close.”

   I can’t even imagine myself being that way.

   “You were awful today, Charlie… just awful,” Babe turned his face away, trying to pull his hands free, but I couldn’t let go. It felt like if I did, he’d really disappear. “How could you say that?”

   “I… I’m sorry.”

   “I feel like no matter how much I do, it’s never enough. You still don’t believe me.”

   “No, Babe, it’s enough,” I pulled him into a hug. He was sobbing, trembling, and the more he shook, the tighter I wanted to hold him, until the chaos inside me settled. “You don’t have to do anything more. I believe everything you say.”

   “You don’t believe I love you.”

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