Pitbabe S2, Chapter 9 pg4

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 9 pg4

   “But you wouldn’t hate me?”

   “Nope. Wouldn’t hate you.”

   “Would you break up with me?”

   “Do you want to break up?”

   “How can you ask me that? You’re the one who got cheated on!”

   “Cheated on?” Charlie furrowed his brows again. He was taking this hypothetical scenario a bit too seriously, but I found it kind of cute. “I thought it was just sleeping together.”

   “And if it’s just sleeping, you’d be okay with that?”

   “Okay? It’s not exactly okay, but… I don’t know.” Charlie sighed, placing his warm palm on my forehead, deep in thought as if this were a life-or-death exam. “If Babe slept with someone else, I’d probably be furious at first. I wouldn’t be able to handle it and might blurt out that we’re done. But after a while, I think I’d end up coming back to make up with you anyway.”

   “Really?” I was surprised, not just by how detailed his response was, but by its content. “Didn’t know you were that open-minded.”

   “It’s not about being open-minded,” he said. “It’s because I love you so much, Babe.”

   “Love me enough to turn a blind eye to that? Should I go sleep with someone else then?”

   “I told you before, didn’t I? The only reason I’d ever want to break up with you is if you stopped loving me.” Charlie smiled, his large hand gently running through my hair. His touch and words warmed my heart, like the feeling of arranging books perfectly on a shelf without ever measuring the shelf’s width or the books’ thickness. It just fit, effortlessly and naturally, without expectation or struggle. That’s what it felt like for me. “If you said, ‘I’m sorry, I messed up, I don’t love them at all, I only love you, Charlie,’ I’d probably melt.”

   “Don’t you think if I really loved you, I wouldn’t sleep with someone else?”

   “Honestly, yeah, that’s what I’d think. It’d hurt because I’d wonder, Don’t you love me anymore? Why would you sleep with someone else? Something like that.” He spoke slowly, unlike when he talks about research or quantum dimensions, and I could tell he wasn’t just rambling to fill the silence. He was trying to make me understand how his mind and heart worked. “But Babe… no matter what happens, if you say you love me, I’ll always believe you.”

   I smiled automatically, my facial muscles responding to the emotions Charlie poured into me through his words, his touch, and his eyes. It was simple and sincere, not complex like the theories in the textbooks he loves. I only realized just now that Charlie tends to rely less on logic when it comes to me. Even though he sometimes tries to stick to principles for the sake of being “right,” in the end, his feelings always have the final say. And I’m glad it’s that way. I know our relationship isn’t perfect by the standards of some cookie-cutter love manual. There’s a lot of attachment, selfishness, and stubbornness between us. Both he and I have flaws that make this relationship imperfect. But even so, I believe with all my heart that we’ll figure it out in the end.

   “And honestly, I don’t think I could ever break up with you.”

   “Really? I think you’re way tougher than me.”

   “Not when it comes to this,” Charlie said with a smile, shaking his head slowly. “I’m saying this just in case—I hope it never happens—but if one day we really stop loving each other, you’d have to be the one to break up with me.”

   “Why does it have to be me who stops loving first?”

   “Because I won’t.”

   “Don’t try to act cool.”

   “I’m serious,” the bespectacled guy insisted firmly. “No matter how harsh Babe is to me, as long as you don’t say we’re done, I’m not going anywhere.”

   I wanted to think Charlie was joking, but given everything he’s done so far, I suppose what he said wasn’t too far-fetched.

   “If you stop loving me, Babe, you have to be the one to say it. Don’t wait for me—I can’t do it.”

   A few months ago, North said, “Everyone compares the new person to the old one.” He was giving advice to a junior racer struggling with a rocky love life. Back then, I only half-listened, not taking it seriously since it didn’t concern me. But now, out of nowhere, those words came back to me. I’m starting to grasp their true meaning. If I’d ever had deep feelings for someone before meeting Charlie, I could confidently say whether this love is better or worse than the last. But since I’ve never genuinely liked or loved anyone romantically in my entire life, the feelings I have for Charlie are terrifying in a way I can’t explain.

   The more time passes and the more we spend together, the more I feel it growing every day—both my feelings and my need for Charlie. I know it’s dangerous to think things like, I can’t live without him, but Charlie keeps making me feel that way more and more. I don’t even know if this is a normal amount of love. On average, do people in love feel this intensely for their partners all the time? Or am I the one who’s feeling too much?

   And if it’s too much… is that a problem?

   “Don’t get too lost in your daydreams, Charlie,” I said, flicking his forehead to stop the whirlwind of anxious thoughts about all the frightening possibilities he mentioned. “Who said I’m breaking up with you?”

   “I’m just saying, just in case,” Charlie chuckled softly. “But seriously, Babe, promise me.”

   “Nope.”

   “Babe.”

   “No, no, no!” I covered my ears, shook my head rapidly, and repeated, “No!” over and over, as if refusing to acknowledge anything. “Not breaking up! Never!”

   “I said if. Just if.”

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