My Moon, Chapter 19.1 pg 5
My Moon, Chapter 19.1 pg 5
Panli often stands smoking at the parking lot in front of Building 11, always keeping an eye out for the guy, hoping he might pass by. But Panli has never seen him walk through here…
Until…
[Yo, Li, you coming to Klai’s birthday?]
“…”
[Klai is Phii Dom’s younger brother.]
Wait… is that him?
“…”
The name’s ‘Klai,’ huh?
[What’s with that dog face, Li?]
Panli doesn’t really know the birthday guy.
No big deal, you can get to know him at the party. Klai goes to the same uni as us, you know.
It’s really that guy.
“…”
[Panli didn’t just randomly invite you, you know. Phii Dom told me to call and invite you too.]
“…”
[Phii Fah’s going to Klai’s birthday party too…]
“Alright… then I’ll go.”
[Okay, cool… I’ll send you the restaurant’s location via LINE. It’s a Korean BBQ place near Siam.]
“Got it.”
After hanging up with Panli’s close friend who called to invite him to that guy’s birthday party—aka “KhunKlai”—Panli immediately stubbed out the cigarette, barely half-smoked, into the soil of a dwarf bonsai pot. Panli hurried upstairs to shower and get ready.
As Panli pulled on his clothes, he reflected on his feelings. Panli was excited to meet Klai. He was thrilled at the thought of getting to know him. Panli imagined what Klai’s voice might sound like—soft or loud? Would Klai smile at him? And what kind of gift should he get him?
Panli hadn’t felt like this in a long time.
But Panli clearly remembers that those feelings back then… they don’t even compare to what he is feeling now.
And that’s why he is starting to feel scared… scared that he might accidentally fall in love with Klai someday. It’s not because Klai is a guy that he is afraid of falling for him. Panli doesn’t care about the gender of the person he falls for. But when he falls in love with someone, he can never hold back. Panli goes all in, pouring everything he has into it. And when it all comes crashing down, when he realizes it’s over—whether because of misunderstandings or whatever reason—
Panli is left like a dog hit by a car…
It hurts like hell… and he can barely pick himself back up.
Buzz~
The former dog-hit-by-a-car version of Panli glanced at the phone screen before quickly grabbing it to answer.
“Hey, Dad.”
[Panli, could you help design the pattern for the hotel staff’s uniforms?]
“Sure, I can do that.”
[I’ll send you a brief later about the kind of design we’re looking for.]
“Okay, send it to your email, Pa.”
[Alright, alright.]
Panli paused for a moment before deciding to speak up. “Pa…”
[What’s up? I noticed you got all quiet, like you’re deep in thought. I’m guessing there’s something you want to talk about, right?]
“Ma really knows Phii Fah best.”
[But I know you best, don’t I?]
“Yeah…” Panli said with a laugh, then spoke more seriously. “Pa, how many times does a dog have to get hit by a car to die?”
[What kind of question is that, Panli?]
“If you really know Panli, you’d understand this question.”
[Sigh… being a parent is tough, isn’t it?]
Panli chuckled softly, waiting for Pa’s response.
[I got an answer…]
“…”
[If it’s a real dog, I’d say one hard hit from a car would be enough to kill it.]
“…”
[But if you’re comparing someone to a loyal, devoted dog who gives all their love to one person… I think unless that dog is hurt by its owner’s own hands, nothing else could truly harm it.]
“…”
[What do you think, Pan?]
Pa’s answer made something well up in Panli’s throat. Panli’s past experiences with love… Panli was always the one getting dumped. The problem was usually that the other person didn’t trust Panli, even though Panli tried to show his sincerity in every way, adjusted himself, and did everything he could to make those relationships work. But in the end, Panli was left with nothing but heartbreak… not even his own sense of self remained.
So Panli hasn’t taken love seriously for a while now…
“Pa…”
[“Yes, Panli?”]
“I haven’t really talked to him seriously yet. Just saw him come to look at my photo… but I feel a strong connection with him.”
[…]
“…So much that sometimes Panli is scared he might fall in love again.”
[“Listen to me, Pan…”]
“…”
[“Pan, you’ve been heartbroken like a dog a hundred times with the wrong people… and you might get heartbroken for the hundred-and-first time with another wrong one. You’ll never know how many more hundreds of heartbreaks it’ll take to find the right person for you.”]
“…”
[“I want you to understand… no matter which love it is, we can’t escape heartbreak.”]
“You’re right… because even if Panli lets himself fall for him, he might not like me back, since we’re both guys.”
[…]
“Was you shocked that I might be falling for a guy?”
[“Not shocked at all… because I have always understood that love can happen in any way.”]
“…”
[“Love whoever you want, Pan. Just make sure you love wisely.”]
“…”
[“All clear, all problems sorted, right, Pan?”]
Panli gave a small smile before saying, “Yes, thank you, Pa.”
[“From now on… if you really start to like him, I suggest you go for it, Phan.”]
“Yes, Pa.”
After hanging up with Pa, Panli realized… if we stop holding onto fear and try to face it to understand where it comes from, in the end, it’s just a word— “fear.” It has no power over the heart.
Now, Panli isn’t afraid of falling in love or anything else. Panli just thinks… he might talk to Klai for an hour and realize he doesn’t feel anything more than friendship. Or maybe he will fall for Klai the moment their eyes meet.
But whatever happens…
Panli is ready for heartbreak number 101.
Panli is ready to get hurt for the 102nd time.
And Panli is ready to get hurt however many times it takes… to meet the right person.
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