Pitbabe S2, Chapter 13 pg8

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 13 pg8

   I dragged my feet up the stairs slowly. Each step felt heavy, weighed down by an immense mass of fear. Even though I was the one who caused this mess, just thinking about it made me terrified.

   The bedroom door opened. I looked straight at the bed, and there was Babe, lying on his side with his back to the door. Only the dim bedside lamp cast a faint glow. Everything was still.

   I sat on my usual side of the bed, which was empty as always. But I was pretty sure Babe hadn’t left it free for me to lie beside him like usual. He was just used to sleeping on the left side of the bed by now. About three minutes passed, and I still sat there, not a single word falling from my mouth. It wasn’t out of stubbornness or because I couldn’t find the words—it was because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to say those words at all.

   “Tonight… should I sleep here with you first?”

   I finally asked. The other side didn’t respond, but I was certain Babe wasn’t asleep. There was no way he could sleep in a situation like this. Even if we hadn’t had a huge fight, Babe could never fall asleep without me by his side. Right now, he was just lying there with his eyes closed because he didn’t want to see my face—that’s all.

   “Just tonight, or until you can sleep alone.”

   “Go wherever you’re going.”

   Babe finally answered, but his voice was so cold it chilled my heart.

   “Can you sleep alone?”

   “If I can’t even manage to sleep alone, I might as well die.”

   “Don’t say things like that, please?” I couldn’t help letting irritation slip into my voice. I really couldn’t stand it when Babe talked like he didn’t care about his own life. “If you can’t sleep, just say so. I’ll stay with you, and I’ll leave in the morning.”

   “If you’re going to leave anyway, just go now,” Babe didn’t yell like before. This wasn’t the Babe who was ready to fight, the one I’d seen so often. This was a Babe who seemed to already hate me. It happened so fast it made my heart sink, but I didn’t blame him at all. “Don’t stay here out of pity.”

   “I’m not pitying you, Babe. I’m worried.”

   “Don’t bother worrying.”

   “Babe…”

   “This isn’t your home anymore. Pack your stuff and get out.”

   That feeling from when I was at Phii Alan’s house came rushing back. This time it wasn’t as intense, but it hurt enough to make my breath catch. I stared at Babe’s back with a tortured feeling. It was so strange— he was just an arm’s length away, we were still on the same bed, but I missed him so much. I longed to pull him close, to press his back against my chest, to kiss his soft head and the warm nape of his neck. I wanted to do everything we used to do, but a voice in my head screamed that I no longer had the right.

   “I’m sorry,” I said softly, barely able to use my voice anymore. It felt like a huge rock was lodged in my throat, tight and agonizing. Every time I tried to swallow it down, the pain made me want to cry. “I’m sorry for ruining your birthday.”

   Among all the stories of sadness and regret, this is probably one of the ones I feel guiltiest about with Babe, right now.

   Babe is silent, but I know he’s listening.

   “After this, you might feel bad about your birthday for a couple of years. I’m really sorry. I didn’t want it to be like this. I know saying this is pathetic, but please don’t hold onto these memories,” I said, hating the words even as they left my mouth. I felt sick hearing them. Babe probably wanted to stand up and punch me, but he was kind enough to just lie there, unchanged, letting a jerk like me ramble on alone. “If possible, forget it quickly, okay? Be happy on every birthday. Don’t let me turn your birthday into a bad day.”

   I desperately wanted to see Babe’s face, but I knew that was too much for now. Just sitting my filthy self on his bed was already presumptuous.

   “I don’t know how close I’ll be able to get to you after this. If I make you uncomfortable, just tell me. If you don’t want me on the team anymore, say so. I’ll leave. If you don’t want to see me on the track, I won’t race again. I’ll return the car. Anything that’s yours, I won’t take.”

   I never knew I was so good at talking to myself. Right now, my head’s filled with a million words, hundreds of things I want to tell Babe before I have to go. But I guess he doesn’t want to hear my voice that much, so I’ll stick to what’s necessary.

   “But I’d like to keep the gloves, okay?” My voice was trembling. I had to breathe slowly to stop myself from crying at a time like this. Just sitting here babbling at his back was annoying enough. “I might not use them anymore, but I want to keep them. They’re probably useless to you anyway. You can’t wear my gloves, and you wouldn’t want to, I know. Keeping them would just be an eyesore, right?”

   I didn’t expect Babe to respond. That would make it too hard for me to walk away from here. Even with him being this cold, I still just want to hug him. If he spoke to me, I’d probably crawl back to him like a dog.

   “Thank you for everything, Babe. All the time we’ve spent together, I was really happy. Even though we fought all the time, I was never bored.”

   Oh no.

   Tears are welling up.

   “I’m gonna miss you so much after this, for sure. I might call or message sometimes. If you don’t want to talk, just ignore me. Block me if you want, so I won’t bother you. When I miss you too much, I tend to do stupid things. You get me, right?”

   I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, but it was a mistake. The more I tried to wipe them, the more they poured out, like dumping a whole jug of water into a tiny teacup.

   “I won’t be around anymore, so take care of yourself, Babe. Eat on time, okay? If you don’t want to cook, at least order something good. Eat your meals and don’t forget your meds. Clean your wounds morning and night. Don’t miss your psychiatrist appointments, alright? You can’t skip those, or you’ll be in a bad place alone.”

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