Pitbabe S2, Chapter 23 pg 2

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 23 pg 2

   I couldn’t help but wonder if someone like me would ever experience that kind of love. I love Jeff deeply—that’s a truth I’ve always been certain of. But what I’m not sure about is whether there’ll ever be a day when I can give everything to protect him. It’s not that I’m unwilling to sacrifice. I’d give up anything for him, but what exactly is that “anything”? Don’t you need to have something to sacrifice it for someone else? And what do I even have? The one thing I’m sure I could give up for Jeff, even if it’s the most important thing in my life, would be useless if he doesn’t need it.

   Charlie could still die to keep Jeff alive, but if it were me, even my death wouldn’t mean anything to anyone.

   Think about it. Even my life, which I thought was the most valuable thing I had, isn’t worth enough to help the person I love in this situation.

   Compared to the love between Babe and Charlie, that kind of love feels like an unreachable dream for me. Despite all the problems they face, in my eyes, they’re like iron pendulums with destructive power. They may seem to clash constantly, but their feelings are unshakable. Meanwhile, Jeff and I might look calm and steady, but in reality, we’re as fragile as cheap glass.

   “I’m so jealous of you and Charlie,” I blurted out my thoughts without realizing, only noticing when Babe’s puzzled expression hit me. But it was too late to take it back.

   “Jealous of what?” Babe asked, as if he genuinely couldn’t see anything enviable about his relationship, which only made me envy him more. “Fighting every day like this… that’s enviable?”

   “Not the fighting, but just… it’s nice that you and Charlie stand on the same ground.”

   “What does that mean?”

   “You’re alike, Babe. I’m not talking about your personalities, but you’re both special in the same way.” It’s not Babe’s fault he was born special, but I hated having to say it because it only highlighted how ordinary I am. “You’ve been through similar things, stand in the same place. At the very least, when one of you is in trouble, the other has enough strength to help.”

   Babe didn’t respond. He seemed to be processing what I said, and I think he got it, because his eyes looked at me with unease. I didn’t mean to make him feel that way, I swear. But I’m human too, and some days, some moments, I just want to be plain old Alan—not anyone’s big brother.

   “Honestly, I used to think I was doing alright. I was doing what I loved, had a job, money, could take care of the younger guys without struggling. Then Jeff came into my life, and I thought, damn, my life’s fucking perfect. Good family, and a goddamn amazing boyfriend. What more could I want? I really thought that,” I said, letting out a bitter laugh at my own patheticness. It’s a bit embarrassing to sit here acting like a loser in front of my little brother, but for me, nothing’s more humiliating than being a useless boyfriend.

   “But as time went on, the more I saw how special Jeff is, the more I felt like I’m just… nothing. I try to understand him, even when I don’t get a damn thing. I know being born special isn’t as great as it sounds, but sometimes I can’t help thinking, is it really that bad? Is it worse than being someone like me, who’s got nothing?”

   “I know it might be hard for you to understand, but trust me, being born ordinary is the best thing.”

   “You all sound the same—you, Charlie, and Jeff,” I said, as my mind replayed the voices and images of all these special people who’ve been preaching to me about how great it is to be ordinary. “But do you know how it feels when I hear you guys say stuff like that?”

   I let out a long sigh. This was probably the most awkward heart-to-heart I’d ever had, because for the first time, I felt like I was on a different side from Babe. He could never truly understand how I felt, and I couldn’t understand him the way he wanted me to.

   “I feel like I’m dirt poor, scraping by day to day, just surviving. Meanwhile, you’re rich, with more than enough to spare. I dream of having what you have, of being like you. But you keep saying your life isn’t as great as I think, that being poor is so much better.”

   I hated the look in Babe’s eyes right then. He was staring at me with guilt, and I hated myself for rambling like some blabbermouth, knowing full well my words would make him feel bad.

   I’m such a jerk.

   “I know rich people get stressed too. They’re not happy every day. They might have to rack their brains figuring out where to invest their money to avoid losing it. But me? I don’t even have the luxury of thinking about my next meal. Everyone suffers, sure. No one’s free from pain. But the weight of that suffering? It’s not the same.”

   Suddenly, the background noise that had been like faint music faded away. I couldn’t hear anything except my own pain.

   “Sometimes I think I’d rather suffer like you do. If we could trade our suffering, I’d pick one of you guys to swap with right now. I want to suffer because I’m trying to help the people I love, not because I’m stuck just standing there, watching.”

   Babe didn’t say a word. He stared at me silently before slowly moving closer to hug me. It wasn’t like the usual hugs I got from him—not a greeting, not a playful tease, not something to rile me up so I’d scold him. It had been so long since I felt Babe hug me because he genuinely wanted to. It was like he was helping me carry the heavy load I’d been shouldering alone for so long, even though he didn’t understand why I insisted on holding onto this pointless baggage. But because I wouldn’t let it go, he had no choice but to step in and help.

   “I’m sorry,” Babe said softly. He apologized even though he hadn’t done anything wrong. The one at fault was me, useless and taking out my frustrations on him.

   “It’s not your fault.”

   “It’s not your fault either, Phii.”

   I wanted to believe him, but right then, I couldn’t let myself.

   

   CHARLIE:

   After the long talk with Jeff ended, I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about the outcome. It was like a mix of relief and heaviness, because it wasn’t an easy decision for either of us. But what could we do? Our lives were never meant to be an easy stroll. That’s probably the first thing we needed to come to terms with.

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