Pitbabe S2, Chapter 26 pg 4

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 26 pg 4

   Instead of firing back, Babe went quiet. He looked up at me for a moment before burying his face in my stomach, like he couldn’t bear to keep eye contact. That gesture was so adorable, it made my heart flutter. It’s not something you see often. Sure, I find his charm in every step he takes and every breath he draws, but this kind of fragile, endearing cuteness? If he had a choice, I bet Babe wouldn’t want me to see it too often.

   “What’s wrong?” I asked, slowly running my fingers through his hair.

   “Why do you have to do this?” Babe mumbled, burying his face even deeper. I wasn’t entirely sure if this was shyness or if he was being clingy.

   “Do what?”

   “Why do you have to act like you still love me?”

   Yeah, exactly.

   When Babe asked that, it hit me that it’s the same question I’ve been wanting to know too. Even though I’ve built up this solid armor, chained my own legs, and hypnotized myself every day to not give in, to be firm like I used to be, to be the old me—the me who hadn’t fallen for him yet. If I were that guy, I’m sure I’d succeed.

   But that version of me is dead. That’s why I can’t do what I planned.

   I keep softening for Babe, time and time again. I worry about him openly, get jealous even though I have no right, crumble at his tears, not to mention the hugs, kisses, and sex that feel just like when we were still lovers. It doesn’t feel like we’ve broken up at all. But the moment I see Babe’s face, I forget every rule I set to control myself.

   “What does you think the reason is?”

   “Don’t turn it back on me,” Babe said. “Don’t answer a question with a question. I told you it’s annoying.”

   “Well, I want to know if you’re asking because you really don’t know or not.”

   “If I knew, why would I ask?”

   “Because you want to hear me say it,” I replied without hesitation, trying to tilt his pretty face up, but Babe resisted like he didn’t want us to even look at each other. I can handle not seeing his face, but I’m scared he’ll stop breathing if he keeps this up. “you already know the answer. You just want me to say it out loud.”

   “Why do you think I know?”

   “Because if it’s this obvious and you still don’t know, you’d have to be pretty stupid.”

   “Charlie, you—”

   My tactic always works. A little teasing to rile him up, and Babe immediately stops clinging to me. He shot up, glaring at me with intense displeasure because I called him out.

   “So, do you know or not?” I asked.

   “Don’t get too clever.”

   “Just asking. If you don’t know, I’ll tell you.”

   “And if I say I already know, you won’t say it?”

   “If you want me to say it, I will. But I also want you to know that no matter how I feel right now, things between us are still the same.”

   I saw the disappointment in Babe’s eyes, so clear it was hard to look at. I know my words were cruel to him, but this is the best way to pull us both back to reality. No matter how happy a world with just the two of us feels, it’s no different from a dream—a dream we’ll have to wake up from one day. Because in this world, no one gets the grand blessing of frolicking in a dream forever.

   “Is there really no chance… that you’d change your mind?” Babe’s voice was soft. He didn’t yell or glare at me furiously like before, even though the situation was so similar. “Will you never choose me?”

   Don’t say that.

   Don’t look at me with those eyes.

   Please, I’m begging you.

   “Are we really going to have this same old argument again?” I try to hold myself together, clinging tightly to my bitter principles, telling myself over and over that if I let go of this anchor, we’ll all drown. Even the person I want to survive the most in this world won’t make it. “you ask the same thing, I give the same answer, we fight with the same reasons. Does you really hope something will change?”

   “I was hoping you’d realize I’m not someone who likes repeating myself,” Babe says firmly, even though he looks anything but steady. It’s like he could break down crying any moment, yet he’s holding himself back with everything he’s got, refusing to use tears as a bargaining chip with me. “Hoping you’d realize how much pride I have. I don’t beg anyone, especially not for the same thing, from the same person. That’s just impossible.”

   I know. I know that better than anyone.

   And that’s exactly why I don’t want him to say it.

   “But it’s because it’s you, Charlie.”

   I’ve tried to protect his pride… with every ounce of strength I have.

   “I can lose my pride, but I can’t lose you.”

   God.

   This is the toughest challenge I’ve ever faced.

   I swear, even when I stood face-to-face with Tony, I wasn’t scared at all. Not a single tremor, even though what he wanted most was my life. My heart was stone-cold, unfeeling. But with Babe, pleading with all the dignity he has left, I know he’d never hurt me. Yet the lump in my chest tightens and trembles in a way that terrifies me.

Previous

Next