Pitbabe S2, Chapter 27 pg 5

 Pitbabe S2, Chapter 27 pg 5

   “That extreme, huh?” I pouted. As much as I loved his sweet words, I couldn’t help but get annoyed that Charlie acted like the coldness he showed me before never existed. “Go on, die then.”

   “For real?”

   Charlie’s serious expression irritated me. As smart as he is, could his brain really not process that I was just joking?

   “If I said it’s for real, would you actually do it?”

   “Yeah… ouch!”

   Before he could finish, the cheeky guy got a smack on the chest. I couldn’t believe that even now, Charlie still didn’t get what my ultimate fear was. Or maybe he knew and was just pretending not to care.

   “When are you going to stop this habit?”

   “What habit?”

   “Talking about dying like it’s a joke. Do you think you can just die so easily? You’re a person, not parsley.”

   “It’s just a natural thing, isn’t it? Who doesn’t have to die? Is Babe going to live forever or something?”

   “I know we all die someday, but you act like you’re not afraid of it at all.”

   “Honestly, I’m not…”

   “And you’re not afraid of me getting hurt?”

   I don’t know how we ended up on this topic. The conversation flowed so aimlessly that the first subject and the latest one seemed completely unrelated.

   This might be one reason we have so much to argue about. Sometimes it feels like we’re listening to each other, sometimes we’re arguing until our throats hurt. At first, I didn’t like this activity much because I hated the feeling of losing an argument and got annoyed at Charlie for always wanting to win, making me feel like I was on a debate stage. But after going through several rounds, I realized that arguing is one of the couple activities that lets us see each other’s true selves most clearly.

   “If you believe death is natural, when the time comes to lose someone, it’ll be easier to accept, right?” Charlie used the same tone he always did when trying to explain something to me—soft, slow, and calm. He slowly shifted to sit up, and I slid from his stomach to his lap, then a bit further until my butt touched the bed. Now we were sitting face-to-face, with my legs draped over his thighs.

   “you’s already hurting, but if you truly understand, you will recover quickly.”

   “Are you trying to train me to get used to death or something?”

   “Isn’t that a good thing?” Charlie gently brushed the hair from my forehead, the warmth of his fingertips grazing lightly across my skin. In that moment, I could hardly imagine how I’d go on living if I lost this warmth again.

   “I want you to be strong, even when I’m not around.”

   “What’s that… your last will and testament?”

   “Not quite,” Charlie said with a chuckle. “Just trying to make things clear. But if you want to take it as my final words, that’s okay too.”

   “I believe you’re really always ready to die.”

   “Babe should prepare too.”

   “No way,” I shot back immediately. Truthfully, I sort of understood what Charlie was trying to say, but sadly, I couldn’t believe in it the way he wanted me to. “When it’s time to die, you just die. The dead don’t feel pain anymore. It’s the ones left behind who suffer.”

   “Exactly. That’s why I’m saying you should get used to the idea of death.”

   “And if I’m the one who dies first, would you be able to move on?”

   I shouldn’t have felt pleased seeing the flicker of unease in Charlie’s eyes. I should’ve been worried, empathetic, comforting him about a reality that hasn’t yet come. But because I’m not some saint, because I’m selfish and narrow-minded, my heart warmed entirely when I saw how much the person in front of me feared the mere thought of losing me.

   It felt like he was shouting his love for me, even though all that separated us in that moment was silence.

   “I could,” Charlie finally replied after a long pause. He used that soft but resolute tone he always did when trying to convince me to believe him.

   “Maybe not in a day or two, a month or two, but one day, I’d have to.”

   “How long?”

   “Hm?”

   “How long would it take you to forget me?”

   “I’d never forget you, Babe.”

   Now I was the one trembling. Even though our behavior right now resembled a couple reconciling, our status was still unclear. I didn’t know what would happen between us moving forward. Honestly, I didn’t even dare ask, because I was afraid his answer would differ from mine.

   I feared our fragile relationship would shatter again if I pushed for clarity. But when Charlie looked into my eyes and said those words, I couldn’t help but admit it sparked some reckless thoughts in my mind.

   “Even if we’re not together after this, even if we don’t see each other every day, or even if one day Babe hates me, I still won’t forget you.”

   He was offering me clarity amidst the hazy fog, making me hope for things I shouldn’t.

   “I want you to know that, for me, you’re not just my first love or first boyfriend.”

   I wanted him to know I didn’t care about first loves or first boyfriends. He was greater than that.

   In my narrow, barren world, he was the only great tree, its roots anchoring the entire earth. He was the beginning and the end, night and day, dream and reality, love and hate, creation and destruction, solitude and connection—all of it was his.

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