Pitbabes2, Chapter 3 pg5

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   I started feeling like I was saying too much, but my mouth wouldn’t stop.

   “For you, it might be easy to forgive because he was important to you. But for me… I don’t know how to feel. When everyone acts like they’ve forgotten how bad the things he did were…”

   “But he’s dead, Jeff,” Phii Alan replied, his face troubled. Deep down, it must hurt him to hear me talk about his precious Phii like this. “What do you want me to do?”

   “I don’t want you to do anything. Just to know that I might not fully understand your feelings. Sometimes, I might show negative feelings about him because, deep down, I still can’t forgive him. I feel for him as a human, but not as a friend or family like you do. Every time you talk about him, I doesn’t just see him—I sees that bastard Tony, sees the others who got hurt by them. It’s really hard to stop.”

   Phii Alan went silent, but I knew his heart was aching, just as much as his mind was probably buzzing with thoughts. This wouldn’t have been a big deal if I hadn’t brought it up. After all, it’s just my feelings about his departed friend. I don’t know if it’s fair to call it petty, but the fact that everyone in the team ignores Phii Way’s wrongs really bothers me. Just thinking that if Charlie and I hadn’t found out and tried to deal with his actions, either I, Charlie, or both of us might’ve ended up in a grave instead. No matter how much the word “family” is used to cover it up, the truth that he was Tony’s right-hand man doesn’t change. And the truth that I hate that old dog to my core remains, even now that he’s in the ground. I’ll never forgive him, ever.

   “I understand how you feel,” Phii Alan said. “I won’t tell you to forgive him, because what he did was truly awful. I haven’t forgotten what he did to us, and I get that you have bad memories of him.” A stronger breeze hit our faces, as if someone was listening to our conversation—someone we were talking about with a mix of longing, sorrow, and a bit of resentment. “But for this… can I be a little selfish?”

   He didn’t need to ask for that… I thought to myself. I had no words to say out loud.

   “I might talk about missing him sometimes, wanting to see him. I might come here to visit him, keep his photos, his trophies, his things at the garage, or mention him every time the team wins. I know it can seem pathetic in some ways, but I swear, if he were still alive, I wouldn’t be doing this.”

   I’d always known how much Phii Alan loved the younger members of the team, but now I think I see that love more clearly. His feelings for everyone are like what I feel for Charlie—a desire to protect, a willingness to be selfish for their sake, and the deepest pain from watching their tragic ends. Not just Phii Way, but Dean too.

   “I don’t want to forget Way. I don’t want to act like he never existed. But I promise, every time I think of him, I’ll reflect on all the wrongs he did. And if you don’t want to be part of this, I understand. Just let me know.”

   “Okay,” I said, pulling him into a hug. At first, I was the one feeling uneasy, but seeing Phii Alan like this, I felt like I had to comfort him instead. “Thank you for understanding. And I’m sorry if I made you overthink.”

   “No, it’s good that you told me,” Phii Alan hugged me back, his large hand gently ruffling my hair. “If you didn’t, I’d never know how you feel.”

   “But it’s just my feelings. I’m not stopping you from visiting Phii Way or talking about him. It’s just how I feel.”

   “I know… I know.”

   “And today, I will go see him as usual, because I planned to come with you from the start.”

   “Yeah, thanks.”

   We stood hugging by the car, the heaviness in my heart easing a bit. But I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on in the deepest parts of Phii Alan’s mind. He might understand my feelings better now, or he might be getting more annoyed with me.

   “Wow, is this the anniversary of Way’s death or some other occasion?”

   But as for the thoughts in my head right now, I figured it’d be better if Phii Alan and I stopped hugging before someone else showed up.

   “What’s wrong with a couple hugging?” Phii Alan sighed lightly. We pulled apart, and I tried to ignore the teasing tone in Phii Babe’s voice, leaving Phii Alan to deal with his close little brother as usual. “Never hugged your own boyfriend or what?”

   “Hmph, I can do more than just hug. Want a demonstration right here?”

   “Babe.” And so, things went back to their usual rhythm. Whenever Phii Babe said something cheeky, it was followed by Charlie’s scolding tone and expression. The two walked hand in hand from a distance, looking like an enviable couple to outsiders. But to me, it seemed more like Charlie had to hold Babe back to keep him from biting someone.

   “What’s up, baby?” Despite the scolding, Phii Babe still acted smug, even turning to make a flirty face at Charlie, who responded with an exasperated eye-roll. But instead of being bothered, Phii Babe seemed to enjoy it.

   “Come help carry this stuff.” Phii Alan, the second most fed-up with Phii Babe, headed back to the car’s trunk, nodding for the quirky couple to help with cleaning supplies, snacks, and flowers meant to decorate the gravesite. Charlie nodded, about to step forward, but Phii Alan raised a hand to stop him. “Not you, Charlie.”

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