Pitbabe S2, Chapter 36 pg 7
Pitbabe S2, Chapter 36 pg 7
Once he got going, he bragged big time. The thing is, it wasn’t a big deal. Phii Alan and Jeff were bickering as usual, like the junior and senior mechanics they are. But this time, I was unlucky enough to be caught in the middle of their new-gen versus old-gen mechanic war. They were arguing about how to tune my car for smoother cornering. As a racer, I have no clue how it’s done. But as the peacemaker, I’m saying next time we need car work, we’re calling just one of them.
“I’ve been wrenching engines since that kid wasn’t even out of middle school, damn it…”
“I wouldn’t brag about that if I were you.”
“Dean, whose side are you on?” The senior mechanic put his hands on his hips, glaring at me. “You’re my little brother—you’re only allowed to side with me.”
“But that’s your boyfriend.”
“I’m already siding with my boyfriend, obviously. If you don’t back me up, who’s left?”
Talk about a depressing attempt at relationship management. Even though they were just arguing so fiercely their necks were bulging, and Jeff finally let Phii Alan tune my car first, in terms of pride and household politics, Jeff probably won as usual. Honestly, I can barely recall Phii Alan ever winning. Has he ever beaten Jeff?
“Is he sulking, Jeff, I mean?” I asked as we strolled along the edge of the track. In the late afternoon like this, there’s hardly any sun left. The empty practice track felt calm and open. Back when I trained alone, I’d often wander like this, but of course, having my big brother walk with me feels way more comforting.
“Nah, he’s just too lazy to argue,” Phii Alan chuckled lightly. “He went to check on North’s car. Got a ton of work.”
“Dean’s the one who’s really not mad.”
“Jeff’s not that petty.”
“Unlike a certain uncle, huh?”
“Yeah, let him be the only ridiculous one,” he said.
I stopped laughing at his sarcastic remark. Phii Alan’s relaxed demeanor and normal expression made me feel at ease too. After what felt like a dark cloud hanging over him for a while, my big brother was finally able to smile genuinely again.
“Are you happy, Phi?”
The question popped into my head out of nowhere, and I think Phii Alan understood what I meant.
“Yeah… it’s okay now,” Phii Alan nodded slightly, a faint, charming smile still on his face. “Thanks a lot, man.”
“Thanks for what? It’s nothing.”
“But if it weren’t for you, I might’ve actually gone through with it, you know.”
I think this will weigh on Phii Alan’s mind for a while, because it was probably the greatest battle he’s ever faced—greater and more dangerous than fighting Tony. Battling his own self meant carrying both the victory and the defeat entirely on his own. Getting to the end was the most torturous and lonely struggle. As his younger brother, I couldn’t do much except watch him from a distance, noticing that something was invading and consuming his sense of self.
It was so terrifying that I had to cross boundaries—secretly investigating, prying into his life because I couldn’t just stand by. Eventually, I found out because I saw him contacting that troublemaker, Winner, too often. Just him secretly meeting Winner was already strange, but what was even more suspicious was that he never mentioned it at the garage, when normally, he’d always share anything going on with his younger siblings. That’s when I knew something was definitely up with him.
And once I knew, if I didn’t say anything, I’d end up regretting it later and blaming myself for a long time.
“You wouldn’t have hurt me,” I said. “Even with how awful I was, you still forgave me.”
“But I sent you to jail.”
“If you hadn’t done that, I probably wouldn’t be able to look at you the same way anymore.”
Phii Alan didn’t say anything. He just looked at me and gave a faint smile. I hope one day he can let go of what happened with me—the sooner, the better. Because the past two years already feel like too long to carry guilt over something he wasn’t even wrong about.
“When I was a kid, I really wanted a big brother,” I said. “All my friends had siblings, and I was the only only-child. When they talked about their big brothers or sisters, complaining about how annoying they were, fighting sometimes, and saying they were jealous of me being an only child, I always thought I was jealous of them too.”
The breeze drifted lazily, and the sunlight was gradually softening. Phii Alan and I had walked some distance from the garage and looped back another way, and now the garage door was visible not too far off.
“I’m jealous that they have people to bicker with, to share things and fight over them. I want someone to scold me when I mess up, to act like they’re not that into me but still go all out to protect me when I’m picked on. I want to experience something like that, like other people do.”
There were many words, but really, the heart of it all came down to that final sentence.
“You’re the big brother I always wished I had.”
Phii Alan turned to meet my eyes for a moment, reached out to grab my shoulder, gave it a light squeeze, and then looked away.
“Are you crying?”
“I’m not crying.”
“You’re totally crying.”
“Hey!” He turned back and shoved my head playfully. His eyes looked a bit red, but no tears were visible yet. If he wasn’t just really good at holding them back, he’d probably sneaked a wipe already. “I’m not crying, you punk!”
I laughed, letting him off the hook for now. I figured it was a fair trade for him being my big brother all these years.
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