Pitbabe S2, Chapter 37 pg 3
Pitbabe S2, Chapter 37 pg 3
I pushed him away with all my strength, and at the same moment, it seemed like Charlie loosened his embrace. He sat on the sofa, looking up at me standing just an arm’s length away. His bloodshot eyes made it clear that Charlie had been crying for a while, and that was why he wouldn’t let go of me.
“What are you going to do now?” I asked, my voice hard. “I told you, didn’t I? This was the last chance. You don’t need to do anything for me anymore. Can’t we just stay together? If we’re going to die, let’s die together.”
“No, Babe… it’s not like that,” Charlie shook his head slowly, tears falling onto his T-shirt. He tried to take a deep breath, swallowing his sobs and forcing the words out with difficulty. “This isn’t about anything else. It’s about me. Just me. I’m not doing this for you. I want to break up.”
My tears flowed like a faucet had been turned on because of those words: I want to break up. This time, there was no reason behind it. I could feel it—this was Charlie’s true feelings. But I still didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t understand anything. I had no idea when it started, or what I did wrong, or why… why there were no signs at all.
“What do you mean?” My voice trembled. I didn’t want to be like this, but I had no idea how to control it. I really didn’t know anything. “When you say you want to break up… what does that mean?”
Charlie cried even harder. His broad shoulders shook pitifully as he sobbed, but I didn’t have the strength to hug him anymore. Maybe the one who needed a hug most right now was me, the one being broken up with for the second time.
If he’s the one who wants to break up… why is he crying?
“I can’t take it anymore…” Charlie fought with his breathing, his sobs heavier than when we broke up the first time, even though this breakup seemed well thought out, not impulsive like before. “I didn’t want it to be like this. I tried, I really tried, but I can’t… I can’t handle it, Babe…”
“What are you talking about, Charlie? I don’t understand.”
Charlie kept repeating I tried and I can’t take it anymore, going in circles, making me wonder just how much effort and endurance it took to stay by my side.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No…” He shook his head, still looking down, letting tears drip onto the back of his hands like rain before a storm. “It’s my fault. I didn’t believe you, because I was stubborn… that’s why it turned out like this.”
“What I said… what did I say?”
“When you told me not to take other people’s senses…”
Finally, what he was saying started to sink in. I began to see where this was headed, and because of that, my heart clenched with fear. I was praying that what I was thinking wouldn’t come true. Charlie had always been right before, so this time, I hoped with all my heart he’d be right again—that what I’d said was just nonsense.
“Charlie,” I wanted to go to him, but my body was frozen stiff. So I just stood there, pressuring him to spit out that crazy thing already. “Say it.”
If it’s going to hurt, let it hurt now.
I can’t escape it anyway.
“I’m… forgetting.”
I still don’t understand.
“Forgetting?”
Or maybe… I’m choosing not to understand.
“My memories… they’re slipping away.”
I stood there, mouth agape, trying to say something, but only air came out, as if my voice had been sucked away for a moment. My chest felt hollow, like there was nothing left inside, just an empty shell, unable to feel or respond to anything but a terrifying void.
I’d seen those signs many times before. It wasn’t new, but I chose to ignore them, brushing it off. Charlie, who used to be so observant, attentive, meticulous, and remembered everything perfectly, had been forgetting things lately—things that seemed impossible to forget. He’d ask the same questions repeatedly. He forgot I’d quit smoking ages ago, even forgot why I have to take pills every day. But I never suspected anything, just because he’d laugh it off and say, “I’m just kidding.”
I kept saying, “Too busy reading books and forgot, huh?” even though I knew he’d never forget anything about me. Not even the smallest detail.
“It’s been going on for a while. I thought it might not be serious. If I recited things every day, reminded myself constantly, I wouldn’t forget. But it didn’t work. It’s getting worse every day, and the worst part…”
I don’t know which of us will break first.
“Most of what I’m forgetting… is about you, Babe.”
No, that’s not it.
His mind isn’t selectively erasing just my memories. It’s because his mind is so full of me that he thinks my memories are the ones fading the most.
Because he’s always thinking of me, he knows they’re slipping away.
“Just because you’re forgetting me, you want to break up?” I don’t know what I was hoping for—hoping Charlie would change his mind, rethink things? I don’t know, but I just didn’t want us to let go so easily, like we did before. “Don’t you think if we stay together, I could remind you every day? Whatever you forget, I’ll remember for you. People with Alzheimer’s still stay with their partners—why can’t you?”
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